I think I have a lot of residual stress
from that knee-level perspective tense moment when someone was handing me a juice box and telling me not to squeeze it. I took it personally. Could I possibly have been so inept with juice boxes as to warrant that high alert every time? But as a parent I’ve come to Know the whole edgy process of pushing straw through foil hole and getting other end of straw into squirming child’s...
Fruit Sticker shirt
Has a circle on the breast labeled Fruit Sticker, and you put a fruit sticker there.
Good short lines
Quick, before we’re spotted. Those are my pockets. Wow, you grew up. I paused to reload.
Grade School Names
The names of people you went to primary school with will always seem like Normal Names. I only first realized some of them were pretty strange when it came time to name my offspring. I considered literally every name I’d ever heard or read.
I have never listened to anyone who criticized my taste in space travel,...– Ray Bradbury (via libraryland)
jheath replied to your post: The internet gets easier So you’re ignoring around 85% of the entire internet? I’m impressed. It’s like I’m only playing the sidequests and ignoring the plot about the meteor bearing down on us.
Seems like "Weird Al" Yankovic's name should be
“Weird” Al Yankovic.
The internet gets easier
when you realize you can ignore anyone who mentions cats.
We should write the year
with a comma. 2,011.
I gave the mugger my wallet. He gave me a scar.
Heratamus At Sea
The raft threw a heroic spray of salt water as Heratamus took the helm. “Which way is Port-of-Gods?” “North somewhere,” said Daniet. The raft was enormous, having previously served as the deck of the pirate ship. Its wide flatness made the footing seem quite precarious in the dark, open water. Daniet was tying down a very large locker containing his scrolls, atop which...
Not that I'm calling my stuff really witty and...
here’s some comments I pissed into the wind recently: The real solution to this is to simplify the goal during the planning phase, but that’s hard. It’s easier to shoot high, and overcommit future you. Past me has so little respect for future me, it’s a miracle every day future me doesn’t build a time machine and go back and murder him. And here I am, caught...
Is there anything that exemplifies "pissing in the...
better than writing a really thoughtful, witty Fa[social network]ok comment?
If we would all just bunch in there a little bit
there would be no need to pay to have professional photos taken.
Out of the blue. IV.
When I was in middle school, I remember, I was over at Chris Pekor’s house, which was like 20 minutes away. I would get someone to do this, drive me over to a school friend’s house maybe three times a year. It must have been pretty obnoxious as a parent to do this for a handful of kids of a Saturday, twenty minutes there, twenty back, and repeat for pickup. I don’t know. ...
Out of the blue. III.
My kid watches this show about a girl storyteller who, according to the theme song, pulls fancy words “out of the blue.” And every time I hear it, it parses as a barely concealed bowdlerization for “out of her butt.” I think the next line is “Always trusts her gut,” even.
Out of the blue. II.
A workmate said just in case his two-yr-old was picking things up, they’d switched over to the non-sweary X[Ø]M comedy channel. So now she can learn all those wholesome racist jokes instead. I’m pretty sure I heard someone say Pollack last time I tuned in there.