January 2010
38 posts
Over/Under
Julian tried to focus on the DON’T WALK signal. He knew the last two cars on his left were going to try to beat the left-turn signal. He guessed — trying not to think about it, trying to focus all his perception on the red crossing signal facing him across 5th Ave — that the last car would have to run the red left arrow. It would in all likelihood take the chance of skipping...
Ironing Out The Double-jump Mechanics
“I don’t know, Marsh. Do you think it needs more bats?”
“Definitely not. I was one bat away from total failure. I’d say the entire simulation can now be certified Sufficiently Batted.” Marsh looked at the glum kid. “Hey, though, the bats were really excellent though.”
“Yeah?”
“Oh definitely. Terrifying.”
He beamed. ...
900 years after the first New Priest walked into the Modernstary, there was a total population failure. The anthropological team discovered widespread signs of neo-sodium madness among the corpses. The small group of investigators published their findings to the Sub1Net and then burned the whole Modernstary to the ground with standard issue anthropological incendiary charges.
Matt Brown,...
“Boy, when you’re dead, they really fix you up. I hope to hell when I do die...”
– Holden (via benjaminapple) (via gracenmichelle)
1 tag
Confession: I just unfollowed someone who...
gracenmichelle:
(via crystalpalting)
Totally justified.
Friend/defriend rules and parameters are my favorite part of any social networking experience.
whyamiinseminary:
another day at seminary, another sad discussion of homosexuality
And here I’d always been told it was a synonym for happy.
Watchpoor little guy is itchy
How to catch a vampire.
whyamiinseminary:
przy:
If you have a vampire infestation in your parish, township, or rural county, […]
Generally, follow these steps:
[…]
2. Bring in some Catholics. Priests, deacons. Monks especially. Seminarians in a pinch. Episcopals if nothing else. Presbyterians no good for this.
[…]
Don’t call Presbyterians for vampires, but keep them in your rolodex for...
How to catch a vampire.
If you have a vampire infestation in your parish, township, or rural county, you may consider hiring a trained contractor to arrange for his/its capture and disposal. But if you’re a do-it-yourselfer like me, and a lot of people who live out in vampire country outside the big cities (big cities which almost always have paranormal exterminators on the civic payrolls, the city folk’s...
I have difficulty being civil to the water cooler jug delivery guy. I just want to ask him when the shipments of batteries and encyclopedias are coming. Since we don’t have pipes or wires to get anything into the building apparently.
Wu-Tang's RZA to Write, Score and Direct Eli... →
jesuisperdu:
The headline speaks for itself. (Via)
The RZA wrote that Bwee-Bwoo-Bwee-Bwoo Dun duh duh dun Nah Dooo! Sting from Kill Bill Vol 1, so I believe he could do this.
Georgia Calling
All my wrong number phonecalls are from Georgians. We moved back up to the DC area in 2008, but I still haven’t changed my phone’s 678 area code. I don’t really know many people who still live in Atlanta, so when I see 404 or 770 come up, I can pretty much count on talking to a stranger.
We’re expecting my in-laws from out of town this weekend, so when I turned on my...
A Toast For Mike and Katie
Michael, Kate, thank you inviting me to say a few words. The libations thus far have been outstanding, and generously apportionated if I do say so.
Michael is my dear friend and Kate has been a total sweetheart to me since the day Michael introduced me to her. Who would have guessed then, when we were all working at Stan Luck’s coffee shop that we’d all be here today? Of course,...
Cub Scout camp swim leader sentenced for child... →
whyamiinseminary:
I worked at this camp for 3 summers. When I was there, the Aquatics Director got fired … for getting an earring. So, to review, earrings no … child porn … maybe? BOOM ROASTED
I heard a bit about how bad this past summer was for this guy’s boss, but the details were a mystery to me, until now. I’ve never heard of this guy, but I sort of expected it to be a...
Rock Band Names
Nightly Socks. Old-timer’s Daughter. Toney Townies. Wilbur’s Bikestand. Sour Germans. Carol’s Boys. Hard-Up Hank & The Bills. Dead Arm. Corner Booth. Bea Arthur’s Knickers. Sharon’s Outlook. Oh The Kirk. The Smoking Outlets. Sparky’s Faucet. Down-Home Hot Dogs. Mom’s Favorite Band.
Ernie’s Clay Pigeons. Another Drumkit. Silent...
Mom always says, don't play ball in the house.
Carol got home just as the boys were beginning to unfreeze. They looked up from the shards of her vase, jaws working. The oldest said, “Mom, it wasn’t my fault.”
“I’m not your mom,” she sneered.
“It’s his basketball,” the middle boy whined, his voice cracking as he pointed to his older brother.
“Look, I really don’t...
Jugglers's Confessional, part 2
[part 1 of Juggler’s Confessional having been hand-written in a green notebook on 1/16/10]
Note to self:
psydoctor8:
underpaidgenius:
7) COCKTAILS AND CODES
If you’re talking cocktails in New York these days, you need to know two words: speakeasy and artisanal. Behind hidden entrances requiring secret codes, bartenders are mixing up concoctions with names like Corpse Reviver No. 2 (gin, Cointreau, Lillet Blanc, lemon and absinthe) that only seem old-fashioned. That particular drink ($13) is...
I'm not an expert...
shortsandshoes:
… and I will never claim to be. I plan on talking about many different topics over the course of my writing and I don’t want anyone to confuse me with an expert on any of them. Everything that I write is either based on personal experience or I have read about it in reputable publications. So when I talk about diet, exercise, or healthy living please bear in mind that these are...
T S Eliot's Donut Shop
School must have gotten out early today, because the sidewalks and library were overrun with teenagers at lunchtime.
A long queue of them stretched from the Dunkin Donuts next to the high school, all gangly hormones and posturing and horseplay. I went into the next-door Beer Wine Deli for a sandwich, and also bought a comic in the collectibles shop. As I walked back to the car, I tried to look...
A Greg Makes Gregs And Meets Them
Fourteen days ago, the grad student leaned on a button and started the particle accelerator. The unsanitized chamber happened to contain all the ingredients necessary to open a quantum singularity — a pinprick in the fabric of spacetime — and to set a spark of life in a long-dead neighboring dimension. This month’s electricity bill is going to be through the roof.
Time passes...
Bart And Sarah's Big Off-Gassing Afternoon
The hockey playoffs were wrapping up and it was June. It was a bright Sunday afternoon outside. Bart didn’t pay attention to hockey until the playoffs and then only when the Pens or the Red Wings were high seeds. It seemed to Bart like the season had been dragging on since the previous spring, like it must take 17 months and the playoffs from the previous year overlap with the start of the...
Ava's email
When Ava was an infant, I started a blog for her. Here’s a sample of what she wrote in it when she was three months old.
I am good at rolling over but there are no videos of it yet. I met a four month old named Sims over the weekend and he couldn’t roll over at all. I rolled right over onto his head. His mom said, “She can roll over. She can roll over,” and you could all...
Five (5) Lame Accent Jokes
What’s an English street urchin’s favorite domain suffix?
.govnah
Why do chavs prefer interior design to landscaping?
Because it’s in it, innit?
What’s The Doctor’s companion Rose’s favorite part of the apple?
The core, blimey.
How do neopunks remove rolls of transplanted grass from their lawns?
They tell it to sod off.
How do rude Brits keep boy...
Jammies, and how to say it
Why does Ava wear Halloween pajamas in January?
Ava’s all-time favorite thing is candles. When she achieved the level of abstraction necessary to discuss anything not present, the first story she learned to tell was, “Candle hot!” It’s a simple tale perhaps but I think you’re not crediting the augmentative powers of truly devoted narrative repetition. Candle Hot,...
How I Got This Facial Scar
When I was around nine years old, I acquired a nearly inch-long scar next to my left eye, under the eyebrow.
When someone has a facial scar, I generally want to know how they got it, and I also generally refrain from asking. I figure the best case scenario is still them telling me a story that involves blood coming out of their face in some… uh… hilarious way? And the worst case,...
Sister Little Sister
In a couple of weeks we’re going to visit my youngest sister Monica at the monastery. In September, she joined a cloistered order of Dominicans. That means she’ll never leave that monastery. She can have visitors six times a year. It’ll be the first time I’ve visited. I’m thinking I need to write her a letter, which I have also never done.
Monica was the sibling...
“Winter’s snow falls hard
Get a robotic shovel
SkyMall magazine
...”
– A couple of haikus
Heartmeat by Spikestand
Forty-six minutes into the concert, and already three of the four ambulances that were standing by have driven off, lights going. One possible OD, one college girl fallen off the closed second tier of seats, one quick, armed fight. Javier is scanning the crowd with binoculars, having gotten the house lights brought up to a quarter. If the fourth ambulance goes, I know he’ll bring the lights...
Ex Libris, Dave
I was told that when you have a kid, you really start to use the library. Yep. I probably won’t even get a B&N card this year. Couldn’t buy another book before I finish <blue>House</blue> of Leaves (current page: 20ish). And I probably won’t pick House of Leaves up again until I finish Dracula (page 290).
The best thing I got from the library last year was a...
Furnace trouble
Last week the furnace stopped heating for a few minutes. I pushed all the buttons and flipped all the switches, and it came back to life. It got down to like 64 degrees in the house that time. It’s scary for the furnace to go out in winter when you have a toddler and a small animal. I know how to keep myself warm, and I know that I can tolerate being cold. I enjoy tent camping in...
Resolved
Last year I resolved to go beerless. For all of 2009, I did not drink any beer. Err, well, I drank three or five beers. I drank a few in the early part of the year when I forgot until after the beer had been ordered, or even drank altogether. And then one right around Thanksgiving which my brother-in-law, Jason, bought for me at a casino bar and which politeness dictated that I graciously...