February 2012
10 posts
“Everything my sister cooks is delicious.”
– Merricat Blackwood, We Have Always Lived in the Castle, Shirley Jackson
1 tag
Not turtle
Owls and bats, for instance.
1 tag
Every night
Step 1: Begin bedtime ritual.
Step B: Go slowly more insane the longer child retains consciousness.
Step Gamma: Child delicately perched on the border between sleep and waking, desperately avoid making any sort of noise or doing anything perceptibly fun; insanity deepens, darkens, grows tentacles.
Step 666: Child snoring loudly, emerge from madness like a chrysalis. Note time — Precisely...
1 tag
1 tag
Just think in a few years it will be time for Super Bowl “L”. And 9 years later, Super Bowl LIX. Should be fun.
Downton Julie Brown
What's the deal with The Man in the Sin City... →
On the one hand, it’s nice to know when a writer has a full concept for a trim scene. But, this explanation by Frank Miller feels sort of like someone explaining a punchline. Like the Star Wars prequels or JK Rowling’s endless post-Deathly Hallows interviews, having a creator spell out everything tends to drain my enjoyment.
When they let me use my own brain to fill in the blanks,...
“I grew up in a family of feldspar, and I have to say,as a Rock-American, this...”
– top comment on Shit Rocks Say
“When they came back to us, they were bad Runners, ignorant of every means of...”
– Six Nations review of college grads via Futility Closet
January 2012
15 posts
1 tag
1 tag
Bread and shirt cusses
08:00 - Don white shirt. Prepare for world domination/business lunch.
09:00 - After successful preschool drop, find retrospectively inevitable jelly stain.
noon - Duck into store and get new shirt on sale.
12:30 - Annoy coffee shop clerks trying to get “stars”. Barristers strike back w/ the old Improperly-Seated Lid maneuver.
12:50 - Dribble coffee all down new shirt.
13:00 -...
Pick Your Own Strawberries
Leave Ours Alone
4 tags
Sometimes I be watching TNG
and thinking, whoa they gots some deep politics brewing here.
And then they got like two episodes back to back with The Kids. And I be like, why did I ever think this was good?
1 tag
Week 1: Institute policy of saving toilet paper...
…for crafts at kid’s school.
—-
Week 2: Toilet paper rolls just laying around everywhere.
“The southernmost land in Canada, Middle Island, Ontario,at a latitude of North...”
– wiki Extreme Points of the United States
“in 1937, the state supreme court declared Birmingham’s parking meters...”
– Between the Lines Dave Gardetta
“Amid pressure from local politicians, some Chuck E. Cheese’s have stopped...”
– WSJ article ”Calling All Cars: Trouble at Chuck E Cheese’s, Again” one of my favorite news pieces ever.
1 tag
Snow, like polar bear fur
is not white.
Happy Rage Day
We should have a national holiday where you get to make people angry.
Rage Day, or as our neighbors to the south call it, Dia de la Ira. Halloween gives us license to frighten one another, Rage Day is about infuriating your neighbor.
1 tag
“The strength of a woman can be boundless.”
– Stilgar
“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal,...”
– The Fault in Our Stars, John Green (via twenty4mixtapes)
December 2011
25 posts
Cronikole - How to build your own →
for future crafting
Make your presence felt
I don’t watch a lot of billiards on ESPN3, so I was wondering if they make this pun a lot. I have to assume they do. Right on cue.
1 tag
“It is quite flattering, but whenever I feel this way I always remember that if...”
– Churchill
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We'll frolic and play, the Inuit way
It’ll nearly be like a racist picture print by Currier and Ives.
“The burning of an author’s books, imprisonment for an opinion’s sake, has always...”
– Joseph Lewis (Voltaire: The Incomparable Infidel)
“Every child should have mud pies, grasshoppers, water bugs, tadpoles, frogs, mud...”
– Luther Burbank
Brave Little Bear Cub →
“You used to love this book,” Margaret said as she picked it up and cradled it. The cartoon bear on the cover flooded her mind with the scent of applesauce and baby powder…
1 tag
Jingle Most of the Way
At least jingle to the end of the driveway.
Do nut, or not do nut
That is the question.
Yesterday on the way home from church, I was like, “Hey donuts anyone?” To which the general response was, “We don’t like donuts anymore, never did, only pretended to like them ever before, when each bite was like a murdered kitten to our mouths, but if you’re going to die without one, we’ll come and watch you eat a donut and try not to...
“Pleased as punch with us to dwell.”
1 tag
Every pomegranate
has exactly 840 seeds.
“When I trace at my pleasure the windings to and fro of the heavenly bodies, I no...”
– Ptolemy
“For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day.”
In the Sleigh Tonight
aka “Santa Claus is Watching You Drown”
I can feel it Snowing in the air tonight Ho ho I been waiting for this evening My beard is white Ho ho
Well your mom told me You were naughty But I think you were good I gave some coal before, my friend But tonight I’m not sure if I should From the North Pole I saw what you did Saw you were basically nice So you can pour me some skim...
3 tags
prima coital soundtrack
I’m reading Hearts in Atlantis and it’s bumming me out how in fiction everyone is always losing their virginity while some really apropos song plays on the radio. No one ever loses it at ten to the hour to commercials for the tractor pull.
I presume the same thing goes on in Twilight-knockoff novels but with iTunes, and no one ever has their first time scored to, say, the theme...
Insidious
Can a PG-13 horror movie be good?
This is a movie about how moving and middle children are scary. The victims are adults, but the movie is written for medicated middle schoolers in the way it doesn’t trust you to pay attention.
In an early sequence, the camera lingers on the baby monitor. Like, this baby monitor should consider putting up No Loitering signs the way this camera was...
2 tags
History repeats itself
especially after the third cocktail. History also tries to get “a pic of the dog smoking,” spills candle wax on the coffee table, and sends a lot of apologetic texts the next day.
1 tag
"I Can't Leave Her Behind"
is my favorite Bob Dylan song about a fabulacious booty.
Haven’t we all had that experience, you look up from crocheting that “Born To Fun” sampler and think, “What’s that rumbling? Gee, the kids are awful quiet.” And the next thing you know, you’re spending the whole afternoon cleaning magma off the Earth’s core borer.
“How do breakfast foods become breakfast foods? What makes a society decide they...”
– Kevin Corrigan
Freddie Mercury, on Mercury: 61.6 lbs. →
“Yo, here’s a fun game. When you’re all hung over on Saturday afternoon, and you...”
– Yo, Is This Racist?
1 tag
You know how people debunk the possibility of time travel by pointing out that if such a thing could exist, someone would have gone back in time and assassinated Eartha Kitt?
2 tags
Chevon
Is what they call goat meat when they don’t want you thinking, “Yeugh! Goat meat?”
This explains why my ca speeds up when i dive ove goats, though.