January 2012
17 posts
1 tag
Oedipus Train to the Stars
The next TNG had Tommy’s girlfriend Autumn from 3rd Rock from the Sun as the child manifestation of a nefarious anomalous nebula energy entity (S5E22). Like you do.
A Troi-heavy episode; When I mentioned to my wife that I really liked Troi when I watched TNG in syndication, but I now find her obnoxious, she posited that I’d probably had a crush on her because she was sort of exotic. I...
1 tag
Bread and shirt cusses
08:00 - Don white shirt. Prepare for world domination/business lunch.
09:00 - After successful preschool drop, find retrospectively inevitable jelly stain.
noon - Duck into store and get new shirt on sale.
12:30 - Annoy coffee shop clerks trying to get “stars”. Barristers strike back w/ the old Improperly-Seated Lid maneuver.
12:50 - Dribble coffee all down new shirt.
13:00 -...
Pick Your Own Strawberries
Leave Ours Alone
4 tags
Sometimes I be watching TNG
and thinking, whoa they gots some deep politics brewing here.
And then they got like two episodes back to back with The Kids. And I be like, why did I ever think this was good?
1 tag
Woona wunna shunna sheep
Gunna have a golla geep
Tears are gonna fall
Rollin in the deep
1 tag
Week 1: Institute policy of saving toilet paper...
…for crafts at kid’s school.
—-
Week 2: Toilet paper rolls just laying around everywhere.
“The southernmost land in Canada, Middle Island, Ontario,at a latitude of North...”
– wiki Extreme Points of the United States
The best part about fast food commercials
dontsprainyourvagina:
is how they make it seem not only normal but hip to bring fast food to parties and that people are genuinely excited about the arrival of that food. I prefer to eat my fast food alone where no one can see my shame.
“in 1937, the state supreme court declared Birmingham’s parking meters...”
– Between the Lines Dave Gardetta
“Amid pressure from local politicians, some Chuck E. Cheese’s have stopped...”
– WSJ article ”Calling All Cars: Trouble at Chuck E Cheese’s, Again” one of my favorite news pieces ever.
1 tag
Snow, like polar bear fur
is not white.
Happy Rage Day
We should have a national holiday where you get to make people angry.
Rage Day, or as our neighbors to the south call it, Dia de la Ira. Halloween gives us license to frighten one another, Rage Day is about infuriating your neighbor.
1 tag
“The strength of a woman can be boundless.”
– Stilgar
“Sometimes, you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal,...”
– The Fault in Our Stars, John Green (via twenty4mixtapes)
December 2011
27 posts
I used to think I was pretty clever on F[social...
“happy birthday jenny. remember back when you were in the womb, thinking, Hey, this is really nice? I think I could really do something with this place. Maybe some curtains. Drapes. Maybe you figured you’d just run out to the Home Depot real quick and pick up some wainscoting. Ah well. So much for that. ”
-December 2007
1 tag
I'm gonna go find some stuffs
I’ve written other places on the internet, and put them here. So, if you’ve read things I wrote, and I appear to be repeating myself even more than usual, that’s because I am.
Cronikole - How to build your own →
for future crafting
Make your presence felt
I don’t watch a lot of billiards on ESPN3, so I was wondering if they make this pun a lot. I have to assume they do. Right on cue.
1 tag
“It is quite flattering, but whenever I feel this way I always remember that if...”
– Churchill
1 tag
We'll frolic and play, the Inuit way
It’ll nearly be like a racist picture print by Currier and Ives.
“The burning of an author’s books, imprisonment for an opinion’s sake, has always...”
– Joseph Lewis (Voltaire: The Incomparable Infidel)
“Every child should have mud pies, grasshoppers, water bugs, tadpoles, frogs, mud...”
– Luther Burbank
Brave Little Bear Cub →
“You used to love this book,” Margaret said as she picked it up and cradled it. The cartoon bear on the cover flooded her mind with the scent of applesauce and baby powder…
1 tag
Jingle Most of the Way
At least jingle to the end of the driveway.
Do nut, or not do nut
That is the question.
Yesterday on the way home from church, I was like, “Hey donuts anyone?” To which the general response was, “We don’t like donuts anymore, never did, only pretended to like them ever before, when each bite was like a murdered kitten to our mouths, but if you’re going to die without one, we’ll come and watch you eat a donut and try not to...
“Pleased as punch with us to dwell.”
1 tag
Every pomegranate
has exactly 840 seeds.
“When I trace at my pleasure the windings to and fro of the heavenly bodies, I no...”
– Ptolemy
“For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day.”
In the Sleigh Tonight
aka “Santa Claus is Watching You Drown”
I can feel it Snowing in the air tonight Ho ho I been waiting for this evening My beard is white Ho ho
Well your mom told me You were naughty But I think you were good I gave some coal before, my friend But tonight I’m not sure if I should From the North Pole I saw what you did Saw you were basically nice So you can pour me some skim...
3 tags
prima coital soundtrack
I’m reading Hearts in Atlantis and it’s bumming me out how in fiction everyone is always losing their virginity while some really apropos song plays on the radio. No one ever loses it at ten to the hour to commercials for the tractor pull.
I presume the same thing goes on in Twilight-knockoff novels but with iTunes, and no one ever has their first time scored to, say, the theme...
Insidious
Can a PG-13 horror movie be good?
This is a movie about how moving and middle children are scary. The victims are adults, but the movie is written for medicated middle schoolers in the way it doesn’t trust you to pay attention.
In an early sequence, the camera lingers on the baby monitor. Like, this baby monitor should consider putting up No Loitering signs the way this camera was...
2 tags
History repeats itself
especially after the third cocktail. History also tries to get “a pic of the dog smoking,” spills candle wax on the coffee table, and sends a lot of apologetic texts the next day.
1 tag
"I Can't Leave Her Behind"
is my favorite Bob Dylan song about a fabulacious booty.
Haven’t we all had that experience, you look up from crocheting that “Born To Fun” sampler and think, “What’s that rumbling? Gee, the kids are awful quiet.” And the next thing you know, you’re spending the whole afternoon cleaning magma off the Earth’s core borer.
“How do breakfast foods become breakfast foods? What makes a society decide they...”
– Kevin Corrigan
Freddie Mercury, on Mercury: 61.6 lbs. →
“Yo, here’s a fun game. When you’re all hung over on Saturday afternoon, and you...”
– Yo, Is This Racist?
1 tag
You know how people debunk the possibility of time travel by pointing out that if such a thing could exist, someone would have gone back in time and assassinated Eartha Kitt?
2 tags
Chevon
Is what they call goat meat when they don’t want you thinking, “Yeugh! Goat meat?”
This explains why my ca speeds up when i dive ove goats, though.
November 2011
15 posts
1 tag
Springsteen's My Hometown sing along guide
One! Two!! One Two Three Four!!!
My hometown, my hometown, myyyy home town.
My hometown, my hometown, myyyy home town.
Refrain:
In my hometown
In myyyy hoooome town.
In my hometown (in my hometown)
In myyyy hoooome tow-ow-own.
Bridge:
mumble mumble mumble, mumble mumble
mumble mumble home town.
lineara asked: the still was from alien 3. pretty lousy, but at least now I can say I've seen them all.
How much is the fine for using that "Authorized...
Stuck behind an accident, sat next to one of these gravel escape paths, I was doing the math in my head, using a very generous hourly rate for my theoretical time. I’m such a do-gooder I couldn’t bring myself to execute it, even though I saw a few others get away with it behind me.
Got interrupted halfway through Limitless
scared to finish it lest this uncanny feeling of capableness fade.
2 tags
Unhelpful Salary Guidelines
Salary: Commensurate with experience
Salary: Commensurate with gullibility
Salary: Commensurate with desperation
Salary: Signs point to yes
1 tag
reblog: The erotic neck of God
unbornwhiskey:
I told her I was sorry for being late. There was an impressive car wash on the corner. If you looked hard at the cars you could retrieve and interpret a history, detect a primeval stage. Through a cleared window, a former driver with complicated hair. A smooth, gleaming exterior—a narwhal tusk. My foot felt miraculously heavy when I told her. She talked about her hometown, that’s...